happy? yes. sad? yes.

yesterday night i saw a tv program with my mom, and we accidentally saw one of my cousin, well, from my father's family, was on air. she became a host with christian sugiono last night, in like an award program, for technological or something like that, i don't know very well. she's beautiful, charming, and also talented, of course. she was the winner of a competition in Turkey. when i knew it, i was shocked. happy, yes. sad, of course. why? i'm happy to know one of my cousin has won a great competition and could bring some pride to our country. but i don't know, it seems she is too far away from me now. she's up there, and i'm nothing. yeah, i must be compared with her by my father's family, and always be like that.

i envy you? well yeah, i can't lie to myself if i envy with her. because, what kind of competition i ever won? zero. how much trophy were in my house? only a few, but in her house? there's plenty of them. she's clever? absolutely, and she's entering the science class too, not like me, only social class. she's charming? of course. she's popular? yes, major. but me? nothing. i am desperate of being like this? some how yes, but when i saw that tomorrow, i was very very desperate. i wouldn't show my desperate face to my mom, because i won't trouble her too much. but when my mom asked me about my cousin, "does she truly win that competition?" or "really? did she go to Turkey?" or said, "wow, that family is so amazing now", my heart felt like stabbed from the back slowly. oh gosh, actually i can't stand it anymore. i wanna scream as loud as i can, "please, stop talking to me like that! i don't want to hear it anymore.."

i cry. haha how weird i am. just because of this thing, i cry. so weak, yes. but this is me. i am so sad i can't boast my family with all of talents that i have. i can't be like her. well i am me, not her..

my closest person said, "although we don't have some excess like everyone do, but we are still accepted by all of people. people who have some excess, sometimes can't be accepted like us in all circles. sometimes they do think that they are the best, and they don't realize if they do have some lack too.."
after he said that, i felt much better. well thanks to you :) sorry if i was down.

i will prove that i can be better than her. not in how much trophy i get, but i can be more than her in different ways. i also have some excess in music, singing, or many others. well i must improve myself to be better and better again.
someday, i will give my mother pride too..